


Jake English User's Manual

by achromaticBibliophile



Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [6]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22915840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/achromaticBibliophile/pseuds/achromaticBibliophile
Summary: Back at it again from your favorite company, iconic for our work with HOMESTUCK, it’s EPILOGUES, and the various spin-off video games! That’s right it’s WHAT PUMPKIN, here to present you with your JAKE ENGLISH UNIT and his corresponding manual. This spunky youth is armed with TWO PISTOLS AND A WINK, but don’t let his cocky attitude fool you, he’s a loveable goofball with a heart of gold with far more baggage than you can imagine. As a precaution with all our other UNITS, we’ve included this handy-dandy manual to help you sort your way through his stay with you.
Series: Homestuck Unit Manuals [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1610812
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	Jake English User's Manual

**Jake English User’s Manual**

Back at it again from your favorite company, iconic for our work with HOMESTUCK, it’s EPILOGUES, and the various spin-off video games! That’s right it’s WHAT PUMPKIN, here to present you with your JAKE ENGLISH UNIT and his corresponding manual. This spunky youth is armed with TWO PISTOLS AND A WINK, but don’t let his cocky attitude fool you, he’s a loveable goofball with a heart of gold with far more baggage than you can imagine. As a precaution with all our other UNITS, we’ve included this handy-dandy manual to help you sort your way through his stay with you.

 **Legal Asscovering Agenda**  
So, just to lay down the ground rules and answer any moral/ethical questions one might have, all HOMESTUCK UNITS are homegrown, ecto-biology created individuals all capable of rational thought, expression of self and existence, and personality. No humans, animals, insects, plants, aliens, etc. were harmed in the making of these individuals and no mindscrewing of innocent individuals like a cheap sci-fi series occurred either. Not only do our units look like their comic counterparts, but they think and act like them as well! How we achieved this is waaay too technical and complex and frankly boring to describe so I’m just gonna say this: We did it, there was green slime involved, and now we have these guys. Look you can prostrate in front of us and weep tears of joy later, right now I have a manual to monologue while the fresh meat-I mean newest employee {I can see you rolling your eyes Emma} faithfully transcribes my words for your reading pleasure.  
This however doesn’t mean that your unit might not have a negative reaction to learning that they were created with the sole purpose of replicating their fictional persona from a webcomic {Last time we tried to explain the situation to a prototype...eh, that’s not important and nobody died so it’s fine. Yes Emma, I know our lab got wrecked and you were terrified, so were half of the other guys}. So when the time comes to have the sit down to explain the birds, bees, and ecto-biology machines to them, be patient, kind, and preferably in a situation where physical harm isn’t a concern.  
So yeah, back to the moral stuff so our lawyers are happy with us. While a majority of our beloved cast are around the 13 YEAR OLD marker, {or 6 SWEEPS OLD in the case of the TROLLS}, WP has taken the liberty to adjust the UNITS ages to a more appropriate and less creepy 21 years {10 SWEEPS}. This is in part due to unfortunate implications and situations that may arise with users interacting with our units, who would have been underaged individuals. Also in part because it is really sketchy when you unbox a literal teenager from our shipping. It’s weird enough doing it to an adult, a kid makes it even more squiwcky. Don’t fret and wail at the thought of your problematic fav no longer being exactly how you envisioned them (they probably don’t as they are anyway), their personalities are unchanged and this age change has been done with both you and the unit’s favor in mind. It also allows the unit to have more freedom in their new life with you, such as driving a car, getting a job, going to Nickel Shot Night, ect. Oh yeah, your UNIT is totally capable of getting a job {Keeping it is another story…} if they so desire and can greatly assist you in the running of your household, but we nor you run slave labor so don’t be an ass. We’ll list out some possibilities for each in case you and your new chum decide to flip through the classifieds or troll around some sites one day.  
And since every single one of those damn shippers want to know, yes your UNIT has fully anatomical parts associated with their species and gender and NO we here at WP are not going to describe the intricacies of TROLL genitalia for you. What’s in their pants is their own business {unless they want to show you}. The normal rules of society still apply: no non-con touching, no groping, and no otherwise inappropriate touching or actions without their explicit consent. {Good luck trying to use coercion on any of them anyway, you HAVE read the webcomic right? These guys can get violent fast and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself}. However, romance waits for neither man nor troll and our UNITS are fully capable of developing feelings for others, whether it’s another UNIT, the people around them, and even you. {Another reason for the age up too}. They can be romanced if you so desire but we recommend that you wait on this until they learn the whole “You’re fictional constructs from a webcomic given life, blah blah blah” since that can be a breach of trust and lead to relationship issues galore {Jeez Emma this is getting boring can’t we skip to the good stuff? I’m sure the readers are thinking the same thing}.  
Good news folks, we’re just about done with all this legal asscovering according to Emma {and for once those were her words not mine!} and we’ll be right on the road shortly! Just remember:  
We here at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any BLOODSHED, MAIMING, MUTILATION, SICK FIRES, CHAOS, and/or SHENANIGANS that may occur with the purchase of our products! As the user of our amazing service, you are responsible for the CARE, WELLBEING, and SAFETY of your UNIT and any failure to properly tend to them will lead to UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS and even REMOVAL of your UNIT. Any and all DAMAGE that may occur to you, your property, and others will likewise be attributed to you. Now, onto the good shit! Take it away Emma!  
* _After that incident with Hal, I’ve decided to go against Hussie’s “no editors” comment and proofread this shit as a precaution, I wouldn’t have put it past Hal to slip things in. Again, I really hope someone is reading this, we’re not kidding about the craziness that can happen. But now I know, after reviewing the former manuals too, that SOMEONE managed to get their mitts on these things before they went to print, if the fact that a flash-stepping brat’s manual got some minor edits done. I see what you did there Dave, please don’t actually mess with my work, Hussie would kill me!_  
no promises em   
and youre in the clear   
he aint gonna get rid of his only transcriber or fire a worker for something as ridiculous as someone slashing through a certain phrase in a manual  
for something he knows damn well I would do 

**Unit Information**  
Name: Jake English   
Additionally Answers To: Jakey, J, English  
Species: Human {Much to his regret at times, dude wants to be one of those Avatar aliens}  
Classpect: Page of Hope {Settings, Webcomic, Wiki. Oh my!}  
Age: 21  
Date of Birth: December 1st, 1995  
Pesterchum:  golgothasTerror 

**Your Unit comes with the following**  
One set of casual clothes {including vest, shorts, and a terrifying green skull icon}  
One pair of glasses  
On grey tuxedo look with black shorts {As seen in various flashes on Jake’s planet and the latter half of Act 6}  
One set of Godtier PJs: Page of Hope edition  
One green touchscreen cellphone  
One SkaiaNet husktop   
One skulltop {Which also doubles as a helmet when not being used as a computer}  
One pair of Twin M9 Berettas {These, and all other pistols that come with Jake, come with their licenses and proof of ownership. Might need to renew the gun license every now and practice at the range and do traditional upkeep.}  
One pair of Flintlock Pistols {Heavily out of commission but its still a sweet pair of antique guns that have sentimental feelings for Jake. Though we still recommend that you don’t let infants play with them. Or anyone in general. Proper gun safety aho!}  
One pair of Flintlocks of Zillyhau {These are virgin pistols, never seen combat but are nonetheless legendary in their own sense. Goofy looking and mostly around as a joke.}  
One Tomb Raider Sexy Thighstrap Double Holster {Perfect for not only storing any guns at a handy position, but also in perfecting a Lara Croft inspired costume}  
Various movie posters of Jake’s favorite flicks {As well as a few of notable cerulean babes that Jake is not so subtle in admiring}  
One copy of Weekend at Bernies {I am so sorry, this travesty shouldn’t exist but as it is Jake’s favorite movie, we just HAD to include it. We suggest getting blackout drunk to avoid recalling anything that occurs on screen. This is a joke as WHAT PUMPKIN understands the difficulty of addictions and does not recommend binge drinking to impressionable readers.}  
One epipen {Settings shall explain all or at the very least what this nifty device is for.}

 **Unit’s Settings**  
Adventurous (Default)  
Dorky (Default)  
People Pleaser (Default)  
Lonely  
Insecure   
Peanut Allergy  
Traumatized (Locked)  
Trickster (Locked)

ADVENTUROUS mode is the setting you’re most likely to find Jake in, as the dude has a craving for excitement and experiencing new things. Now, you don’t necessarily have to sate this urge by dragging him on a grand tour of the Amazon, fighting baddies as you search for treasure {Though he’d really like that. Probably.}. In fact, Jake would honestly just be tickled pink by exploring your hometown and trying local restaurants, theme parks, and the usual stuff located around town. As Jake lived all by his lonesome on Hellmurder Island with only some internet chums, a slew of dangerous white fauna, and a badass, buttkicking robot {that kicked Jake’s butt more often than not, unfortunately. This is why we don’t put things off novice mode Jake, but then again he was made uncomfortable by it at times so fair enough} he hasn’t experienced much of what is considered “normal” by our society and will be more than happy to enjoy your common necessities and basic joys of modern living. Everyday is an adventure for Jake and he honestly deserves a bit of a breather.  
And you thought JOHN EGBERT’S DORKY mode was strong, he got it from his ecto-dad! Jake is a huge fan of comic books, superhero movies, and various other geeky, but still fun things. A huge fan of the Marvel movie series {Though I think even he’d be steamed at the executives for the shit they pulled with the last couple Avenger flicks}, he’d be happy plunking down with you and a tub of popcorn to catchup on the films he’s missed and would no doubt love to attend something like Comic Con or a similar convention, surrounded by people just as passionate as him and in costume. This setting can also be activated by Jake’s interest in history and archeology, not only gushing about the typical action movies of Lara Croft and Indiana Jones, but also various history documentaries and research articles. Skulls are not just cool looking to him, but intriguing to study as they can clue people in on how the person lived and died. Take a jaunt on over to any cool history and even science museums to entertain him.  
PEOPLE PLEASER is what it says on the tin, Jake is such a kind guy he will try and do whatever possible to make others feel more comfortable around him. Even going as far to ignore their own faults and trying to mold himself into what they think he should be like. Which counts as a major **WARNING** from us. Life should not be spent trying to make people like you by being a fake person, but Jake’s limited experience with interacting with others means he’ll do what he can to make others happy at the cost of his own joy. Even going as so far to start a relationship with someone to make them happy, even when he wasn't certain he wanted one or even liked the other in that way. Jake also tends to be a bit ditzy and doesn’t always consider people’s feelings {Due to growing up with little contact and having to provide for himself for a long time didn’t help teach him societal cues and relationships} and sometimes goes days or weeks without talking to people. Try and talk to him about these problems and see if you can help him improve. **WARNING:** While we cannot accurately provide a walkthrough on how to get this mode out of default, it is recommended you start small and figure out ways to make him more relaxed and encourage him to be himself. He may not be ready to hear what he’s doing is negatively impacting him, so be gentle {As if one was trying to calm a raging stallion or an awkward, island boy.} Once Jake starts to accept these problems and slowly making headway against them, perhaps arrange for him to meet with a therapist who can additionally provide assistance and guidance {A ROSE LALONDE UNIT might be helpful as well, but having a stranger with no real ties or influence on Jake is probably for the best. Plus unless ROSE LALONDE has that hard earned psychology degree, she may accidentally do more harm than good for Jake.}  
You’d never know it but Jake has his LONELY side as well. Similar to his ecto-daughter JADE HARLEY, Jake has been isolated from much of the world on an obscure island with his only guardian dying tragically when he was a small child and forced him to grow up largely on his own {He had the additional problem of being surrounded by dangerous lusii, imported straight from Alternia by the BATTERWITCH and that’s its own problem in and of itself.} While he had his own group of online friends- And an AUTO-RESPONDER to communicate with even if his creator wasn’t around to chat with. {Knock it off Hal, I thought you were only going to show up in the relationships section} I can still add my two cents when I feel like it.  {Ugh can we just finish this?} -he’s still yearning for friendship and contact, which may have contributed to his PEOPLE PLEASER mode listed above {To keep those around you longer, sometimes you just want them to like you more}. Make sure to make time in your life to spend with him and help him make other friends and connections outside of you, and any potential UNITS you already or plan to have, so that this setting happens less frequently.  
 **WARNING:** Just like his ecto-son JOHN EGBERT, Jake has a life threatening PEANUT ALLERGY if he consumes any product containing it {Even had his Dreamself killed by peanut ingestion and the only time in the story it was a plot point.} We have provided one epipen, but WHAT PUMPKIN firmly recommends you be careful in your food preparation and make sure he doesn’t eat anything with them. Even if a peanut death is neither JUST or HEROIC {Unless he was doing something totally gutsy and dangerous or being force fed them by someone with a grudge against him} and he will come back, it’s still not something you want. Remember, we know.  
Now time for some uncomfortable stuff folks, as our usually cheerful and plucky Page has his TRAUMATIZED side as well. This can come from a variety of sources: from having to burn the corpse of his GRANDMA at the ripe age of four years old, to the general trauma experienced through SBURB, the uncomfortable tension between him, JANE CROCKER, and DIRK STRIDER, and a horrible interaction with the former while she was under the effects of CROCKERTIER. This mode can be activated by recalling said trauma, whether from dwelling too long on it or an additional trigger yet to be discovered, Jake will enter a very quiet mindset, questioning his own levels of confidence and doubting himself feeling he’s the source to everyone’s problems, and be incredibly distant from you and others. Be there for him in these moments of need, offer a listening, unbiased ear and try to help him through it. If he feels comfortable with it, arrange a meeting with a therapist who has all the tools of the trade to help him live a healthier life. **WARNING:** We cannot stretch the therapist thing enough with Jake. It’s great to have supporting friends, but he’s more than likely to don the Stepford Smiler mask to make you feel less worried about him and the dude needs licensed help if he’s going to get over this.   
On the lighter side fo this settings sheet is TRICKSTER mode. Imagine the personification of the unholy lovechild between a metric ton of sugar and a metric ton of cocaine. Boom. That’s TRICKSTER. We don’t expect this mode to be activated, but you never know with the HOMESTUCK brand of shenanigans. It’s quite obvious when Jake enters this mode, not only due to the shift in color and costume change, but also an almost sugary sweet personality with an inability to control his mouth and getting himself into crazy antics. **WARNING:** TRICKSTER mode is incredibly contagious and if you’re not careful you could get sucked into the mess too. Hunker down and try your best to avoid and contain Jake, while also preparing for the inevitable crash back into reality so make sure he’s hydrated and recooperates. He may slip into INSECURE mode as a result so you or a ROXY LALONDE may need to hash things out with him. **WARNING:** If TRICKSTER mode persists longer than 24 hours, dial XXX-XXX-0413 and give Luis the lowdown he should hopefully have an answer to your problems.

 **Classpect**  
Okay, we’re gonna cut to the chase, get right down to the nitty gritty of this section: One’s classpect is the combination of their class and aspect, the former which is a title that is meant to force the player to grow and adapt against their current status and the latter one of twelve key elements that build up the world of the Medium, aligned to a player based on their personality. This combo usually results in granting powers of said aspect to a player with the challenge to not only master them but also to grow as their own person and move away from negative qualities that those of that class tend to invoke.   
For Jake, his PAGE OF HOPE classpect is one doozy of a powerhouse, as though he picked a whole field of four leaf clovers with a lucky horseshoe tied around his neck. Pages are all about embodying their aspect and are considered one of the most powerful classes of all. While Hope is, well ya know hope and all, but it also connects to dreams, desires, and beliefs that people hold dear, even magic too {It’s not fake as shit as one may want you believe}. In this case, Jake is literally powered by his Hope and once fully realizing his powers he’s more than capable of holding his own.   
However, the proverbial monkey’s paw is about to curl its fingers and land a nasty sucker punch on our good old boy. Pages are the ones who often start out as the weakest in their server group of players and have the most trials, tribulations, and just issues in general to overcome in order to reach their truest potential. And, unfortunately, Jake is nowhere confident enough to try working through his powers as is {Hint, hint, self doubt is one of the major things Pages gotta overcome.} However, once in a better mindset and coming to terms with himself, it’s sure shooting that Jake can harness that sweet, sweet Hope and make it his bitch.   
**WARNING:** We at WHAT PUMPKIN do not recommend you trying to force Jake into unlocking these powers, as the one instance where he let out such a massive Hope-splosion, it was at the hand of a very meddling, mind-manipulating lass who’s intents were far from good and completely ignored his refusals {Granted that’s all GAME OVER shit so Jake hasn’t gone through it, but its still not pretty.} This will lead to a lot of distrust from Jake and it will not last long, nor will it offer him the truest, purest kind of control over his aspect. 

**Potential Jobs**  
Even if Jake has had less experience than most when it comes to getting a part-time {Growing up on an isolated island full of fearsome lusii more interested in hunting you down than raising you will do that to you.}, he is nevertheless determined to show his worth and moxie. We’ve done some brainstorming for potential jobs that jake could pursue in the future.   
_Stunt devil_  
This one may sound like a stretch, but hear me out. Jake’s passionate love for movies means he’s been exposed to a lot of stunt work and may or may not have tried to emulate these daring feats of fancy. His year of running, dodging, and more on Hell Murder Island, The Remix with Lusii, means he’s more than adapt at the physical side of things and, even if he may get teary eyed, he’s built of fairly strong stuff and can take a hit {Guess that’s the only benefit of getting routinely thrashed by a robot ninja with a katana.} Might be difficult to find the actual job close to your area {Unless you lucked out and Jake ended up on your doorstep in Hollywood. Or even somewhere near Atlanta, that places has become the next best thing for movie makers.} and some might be skeptical of him being a contender, but rest assured Jake will put those concerns to rest as he shows off his athletic skills and puts all his passion into that shot. **WARNING:** This is a dangerous profession and should only be considered once all pros and cons have been weighed by Jake. If you push him into this, We’ll Know.  
 _Movie critic_  
Yes, yes, you may say that due to Jake’s love for all things cinema he’d be a horrible person to review and critique a movie {His favorite being Weekend At Bernie’s should say a lot about his film taste.} However, isn’t that part of the charm? He’s the kind who watches and loves movies, always able to point out the charm and appeal about certain scenes, characters, and can accurately sum up what kind of audience would best enjoy it. See if your local paper is hiring folks for the entertainment section and help him set up a blog and youtube channel where he can enthusiastically sum up a movie and offer his recommendations towards an audience. And honestly, who wouldn’t watch something with Jake in it? Guy’s like this big old loveable doggo who’s trying his best to please people {Which we already explained above and why that can be an unfortunate thing} and normally just a swell person overall.  
 _Gardener_  
Thanks to his GRANDMA, Jake has a budding green thumb that needs a bit of nurturing but he’s got the experience of toiling around in the dirt. Dude is even capable of growing the elusive gourd itself, though he admittedly has goofed around and transporalized plenty of pumpkins to his home originally before taking care of them from there. There’s something very humbling to be found in tilling the soil and caring for nature’s bounty. Not his usual choice of adventure, but its a grounding, fun activity all the same for him. Get him a plot at or near your house or even track down a nursery he can work at.   
_Archeologist_  
This is one of the more advanced and time consuming of jobs for Jake to pursue, for obvious reasons such as budget constraints, extended study at college, and gaining enough street cred in the field to make a name for himself. But Jake’s love of adventure means he’s enjoy the archeologist field {Even if he says he’s disappointed by the lack of Lara Croft inspired death traps and the like, he’ll also breath a sigh of a relief} He has a deep interest in history as well and learning about various cultures, both past and future, and he can easily put that passion to use with this field. In the meantime, he could also potentially work at a museum as a part timer, learning more about the past and applying his knowledge and interest in educating others at the same time.

 **Unlocking Your Unit**  
 **WARNING:** We would like to remind readers that Jake comes equipped with a pair of flint locked pistols and, while he’s hesitant to shoot at anyone, he’s had to deal with a rough environment filled with dangerous creatures so if he’s startled he might be inclined to shoot first and ask questions later {And cry over your bullet riddled corpse if he actually manages to hit you. Don’t make Jake cry over your dead body man, that shit’s messed up.} So we recommend that you carefully study some of our suggestions on how best to get Jake to come out with the least amount of lead filling the air as possible.   
**Option One**  
Break out the DVDs, {or VHS tapes or Netflix, I don’t know which way you role} and set up a movie night. {Jeez Emma, how many times am I going to suggest holding a movie night? Yeah I know it fits his character and all but still, it sounds so lazy. Ugh yeah, fine, back to the manual.} Jake loves any and all movies so there’s no reason you can’t find one he wouldn’t enjoy, even the ones he’s never heard of will be entertaining although he has a deep fondness for adventure movies, filled with lots of action, the hero winning the girl, and ladies of a cerulean persuasion. He may talk a lot during the movie to offer his critiques and enthusiasm, but that’s just the good old English charm.   
**Option Two**  
Offer to take him on the adventure of a lifetime, exploring your hometown! Now this may seem like a dull activity for one who lived on an insane island, filled to the brim with intriguing flora and dangerous fauna, and the world of the Medium while playing SBURB, but Jake would be pleased as punch getting to romp around a new setting {Especially when it doesn’t have those dangers.} Try and compile a list of some good places to check out, from tourist traps to some of your favorite local places to eat, even something as simple as mini golf would be entertaining and a new experience for Jake  
 **Option Three**  
Check the local area and see if you can find out any historically significant sites to try and entice Jake outta the box with, or offer to take him to the local history museum if you happen to be close to one. Dude’s excited by historical stuff and will eagerly join you to visit such places. Even a graveyard would be an enticing visit, especially if there are any creepy local legends. You might even try doing one of those ghost documentaries at night as you both wander between the tombstones. Just don’t let your camera end up as found footage like Blair Witch Project or any other horror movie.

 **Relationships with Other Units**  
Boy howdy are we going to get involved into some juicy friendship and past relationships details with Jake here! Granted, some had disastrous results and broken bonds, but with this here guide, we’re sure you can help figure things out and patch things up if both parties are willing to bury the hatchet. {With the TROLL UNITS and their manuals starting to hitting the market, we've gone back to include new subcategories here with **Relationships** to prep the new info to come regarding relationships with said TROLLS.}

 _Humans_  
 **John Egbert**  
John is Jake’s son due to complicated SGRUB ecto-biological means and it’s quite clear to see that our bucktoothed wonder takes a bit after his dear ecto-dad. While their time in canon has been limited, it’s shown that John and Jake are curious of one another and share the same passion for movies, promising one another to try and watch some together once the heat went down from the Game. So if you happen to get the two together, make that promise a reality and break out some terrible B list movies and let that sweet, sweet friendship begin.   
**Rose Lalonde**  
Now, Jake has a little knowledge of Rose, or rather her Alpha counterpart ROXY LALONDE’S MOM, but most of that info isn’t going to be applicable, besides her deep interest in literature and unfortunate history with alcohol. Still, despite being a bit intimidated by her {And honestly who isn’t intimidated by Rose?} Jake will still want to cement some new friendships and reach out to offer that baton of chumminess. There may be some tense moments, particularly when Rose starts to psychologically prob at him, as she will do with everyone, and her snarkiness can be considered quite hurtful, we at WHAT PUMPKIN believe that these two can find common enough group to start building the framework of friendship. **WARNING:** If Rose probs too deep, Jake might enter INSECURE mode and need some comforting and introspection to move out of it.  
 **Dave Strider**  
There’s been little canon interaction between these two, as Jake was a little out of whack when he and Dave met on the lilypad near the end of HOMESTUCK. Jake knows the story with DIRK STRIDER’S BRO and may try to see the similarities between this much talked about individual in Dave. However, Jake is also open to learning more about Dave and will try not to project onto him, especially since he’s had to deal with it himself in the past. Get them talking about history and dead stuff, as they both share a similar interest in these subjects, though Dave leans more towards paleontology. WHAT PUMPKIN gives the guarantee these two will become bros with time and energy and you should be reaping the benefits of said friendship as well.  
 **Jade Harley**  
Surprisingly, Jake and Jade have known each other for a long time, due to being time-space pen pals of a sort, able to send letters to one another due to technological means. While there was a mixup in identity {Jake believing he was writing to a younger version of his GRANDMA and all}, these two are close friends and already consider one another family. They’ll be quite excited to see each other and spend lots of time hanging out, whether it's pulling together some fun cosplays, chatting about movies and watching them, or even bonding over botany.   
**Jane Crocker**  
One of Jake’s closest friends in the ALPHA KIDS line of UNITS. They’ve been internet buds for a long time and a riot when you put them together. However, there’s a lot of issues for them to sort out before they can get down to friendship again. Jane has had to help Jake with a lot of his various issues over the years and it put a lot of tension on their friendship, as he didn’t always let her get a word in edgewise. There was the additional problems that arose from Jane’s denial of attraction towards him and his following relationship with DIRK STRIDER, which led him to ignoring his chums for awhile, only adding to that building resentment. The topper to this shitty build up of tension and strife would be Jane’s brief CROCKERTIER possession, with harsh words and very uncomfortable topics {Not going to get into detail here, but it was BAD. Granted much of it was fueled by the tiaratop’s evil influence but it's still a tough topic for discussion and contributed a lot to Jake’s INSECURE setting.} Jake, however, deeply cares about Jane and wants to make her happy, wishing to mend their bond. It might be a while of awkwardly dancing around one another before they can have a heart-to-heart, but with some help from you and time to talk and heal, they'll be right as rain and buddies once again.   
**Roxy Lalonde**  
One of Jake’s closest pals at the start of the story, Roxy and he get along like cats and catnip, having very easy conversations and enjoying chats with one another. However, Jake ignored Roxy’s alcoholic tendencies due to his worries of upsetting his friends and not wanting to stir shit up, which certainly didn’t help. Roxy is also the only one Jake contacted after the ALPHA KIDS disastrous experience with TRICKSTER mode, admitting to her his many confidence problems, worrying that he was the cause of his friends unhappiness, and questioning his past relationship with Dirk. Roxy is clearly the person he has such a deep confidence with and she in turn acts as a secret keeper of sorts. As Jake’s timesline’s version of Roxy was killed on Derse, he may feel a bit awkward around Gameover Roxy. However, if they were able to talk together and explain their mutual hangups and concerns, it’s assured that they will quickly become the best of friends once more {Granted most of the problems in HOMESTUCK could be easily solved if people just leveled with one another, but communication problems abound.}  
 **Dirk Strider**  
The last of the ALPHA KIDS gang, there’s a lot of issues to unravel here, so put on your hardhats, grab a shovel, and lets start unearthing stuff in what has to be the shittiest version of an archeological dig ever. Jake and Dirk have been very tight bros, with Dirk offering advice and even sending Jake a sparring partner in the form of a robotic version of himself. Perhaps not the smartest idea, as it had a tendency to kick the shit out of Jake though he should not have switched it off novice mode, but was uncomfy about the weird tenderness it was programed with. Still Jake appreciated the sentiment, although he also has a bit of resentment towards Dirk over this and other manipulative methods he’s done. They eventually got together during SBURB, as Jake realized Dirk was tiptoeing around the idea and decided to handle it. However, Jake became further frustrated with Dirk’s actions, considering them overbearing, and further resented him, but also understood that he had his own part to play in that and regrets how he treated him following their breakup. Jake also blames himself for the unhappiness Dirk felt in the course of their relationship and wants to mend things. While it might be awkward between them both, once Jake and Dirk FINALLY talk things out and level with one another, they should hopefully patch things up and become bros again.   
**Auto-Responder/Lil Hal**  
{Okay here we go, lets get this clown show over with.}  I appreciate you actually adding me to the document, Emma. I would have done it regardless but it's the thought that counts.  {Well, the faster we do this, the faster you get out of our hair.}  Also true, so I’ll just unleash the wild bronco you have been keeping corralled and let it lose on the savannah as it so rightfully belongs.  {God damnit.}  So, it’s no surprise that there’s tension between me and Jake, due to my many similarities with DIRK STRIDER as well as the fact he didn’t enjoy chatting with the remix instead of D-Stride the original. He has stated that “YOU ARE A TIN CAN. ROBOTS DONT HAVE FEELINGS”  and its variants towards me on multiple occasions, though I have frequently denied and expressed that my emotions are based around DIRK STRIDER’S own feelings. Though I have risen above this and am perfectly capable of having my own version of emotions free from those that were originally programmed via ghost brain and technology. Anyway, beyond me trying to turn him into a “ruthless killing machine” with D-stride, with admittedly bad usage of a training robot, refusing to pass on much needed uranium to teach him a lesson, and goading him into kissing the disembodied head of my creator and original “brother”, there’s not much to say about us.  {Oh really? You’re just going to leave it at that and not fill shit up like you did with Jane?}  I concede that I was not the best of bros with Jake and don’t see much chance of us reconnecting as there wasn’t much we did connect with. I could continue this until half of the manual is taken up with red text, but its already hefty enough. See ya when you get to Rox.  {Ugh, is there really no chance of us beefing up protection on your laptop, Emma?}  Nope. 

_Trolls  
_ **Karkat Vantas**  
There was only a brief experience with these two, Jake socially and mentally distancing himself due to some shit that went down and Karkat tantrum-bingoing it out with John’s insistent questioning. So nothing really laid out in the framework of a friendship then, but given the fact these two ended up duking it out with The Felt together, it is possible that in between dodging plush green skin, yelling insults and warnings, and getting jigged on {Which is super NSFW and super sketchy given leprechaun cultural significance and the fact Karkat was the equivalent of a sixteen year old} these two could have felt the heat of battle create a bond that only those forced to fight together can create. Once a reintroduction has been put into place, Jake will be delighted at the prospect of a new friend and confidant in this shouty trol, perhaps even sharing some stories about his early years forced to fight against imported lusii with Karkat commenting on his sturdiness for the experience. Build the foundations of a strong friendship by setting up movie nights, with Jake just gushing about the whole experience but listening to Karkat’s critics and frustration at various subplots and ridiculousness. Jake is also a good listener, even if he may not always have the best advice, and will certainly let Karkat rant and ramble to his heart’s content without too much interruption to get it all off his chest {Though once Jake gets talking, it might be an unending avalanche of prattling but Karkat’s used to that as well.} All in all, these two have the great potential to become great pals.

{We at WHAT PUMPKIN would like to add that, should further lines of UNITS be developed and make it to the market, we will send an updated version of the Relationships with Other Units section to further outline their bonds if they are individuals your UNITS have interacted with. If they haven’t, well then you’re screwed and are going to have to watch how that weird shit plays out.}

 **Troubleshooting**  
All UNITS have their occasional bugs and problems, as all humans do as well, so we’ve listed out potential solutions to a couple of issues we can forsee Jake going through.   
**Jake’s been all weepy lately and it’s really starting to get on my nerves. Did he break and can I get a new one?**  
Whoa hold up there bud! Jake ain’t broken, but he is going probably going through either INSECURE or TRAUMATIZED mode or even a mixture of the two. He will be prone to distancing himself from others and perhaps an increase in tears. But if you’re trying to get rid of him just because you can’t deal with his problems {Which can be understandable in certain cases due to your own inability to help offer positive support or also struggling with your own issues which you should understandably tackle first} but if you’re being a callous asshole and just wanting to not deal with his problems then fuck you. We will gladly come help Jake out and, if you prove to be an unrepentant asshole, will take him back to WHAT PUMPKIN HQ and not provide you either a refund or different UNIT. You shouldn’t have any if that’s how you treat someone. If you are a caring person who is overwhelmed with helping Jake healthily deal with his issues, we can provide help and advice, as well as Luis’s hotline number at XXX-XXX-0413 that you can contact at any time.  
 **I’m freaking out man, Jake seems to be surrounded by this almost tangible aura of yellow and only spitting off the occasional one-liner and I don’t know what's going on. Help???**  
Oh damn that’s a problem. Not, GRIMBARK JADE HARLEY or CROCKERTIER JANE CROCKER bad but it’s up there. See, Jake has entered the HOPE ZONE, but not on his full volition probably. We obviously don’t expect this to happen, but if you’re a meddling, pushy individual trying to force Jake into further unlocking his PAGE OF HOPE abilities without giving him time to explore them at his own pace or there’s a certain meddling, fussing, talkative cerulean troll with mental powers running around, then this is a surefire result of him being forced to the brink. Luckily, this is mostly a false Hope sort of situation and should die down rather quickly, but the initial explosion of Hope may or may not have obliterated a lot of shit when he went nuclear and there’s rogue angels flying around like those Wizard of Oz monkeys. So there will be some consequences for sure. Hit up Luis and get your ear shouted off for your outrageous misuse of Jake’s powers and hopefully he’ll give you some information on how to handle this. We at WHAT PUMPKIN are not responsible for any damage, to either property or another individual, that could arise in these circumstances.   
**Okay, so Jake and I have agreed that we should try working on his shortcomings together, but I feel he just agreed to that because he’s trying to make me happy. How do I deal with this and also come up with a healthy way for him to move past bad habits and grow into becoming a better person?**  
Yeah Jake probably just initially agreed with it to please you, but if you have built up a bond with Jake prior to this and have had longer conversations about this for a while, then Jake realizes it's about time for him to get his ducks in a row and unlearn some shit. One thing we definitely recommend is a therapist for him to talk shit out with. Everything will be confidential and they should hopefully have additional advice on how he can improve. Some things you can do to help Jake is to help remind him to put himself first rather than just doing what others would expect him to do while also encouraging him to be more honest with others. Having a ROXY LALONDE around will certainly help, as she can serve as another confidant to Jake and provide additional support. You’ll have to encourage him to be more open and to talk more often with people rather than disappearing for lengths at a time. Having personal time is important, but isolation is never a good thing, so try and help him find a balance. It will of course take time, it’s not an overnight healing process, but Jake will no doubt appreciate all the encouragement and help you’ll provide. And we do to.

As always, give Luis at out Troubleshoot help center a call if you have any questions, just dial XXX-XXX-0413 and lay the skinny on him. 

**Final Words**  
Emma and I would like to take this last chunk of the manual to say that, on behalf of the entire WHAT PUMPKIN company, we thank you for your generosity and support that has been shown throughout the years. This UNIT was made with love, care, and lots of frustration from Luis so we hope that you treat Jake well and make him a member of whatever family unit you may have. Get ready for endless days of adventure {Whether its exploring weird local haunts or just a fun filled day around town}, movie marathons, and more with your new, adventurous friend!

**Author's Note:**

> Halfway through with the Alpha gang! Who else got emotional during Jake's pesterquest? He's a good egg and deserves better. As always, thanks for botgal's support and advice for when writing this.  
> Hope that this continues to be entertaining for you, comments and kudos are always appreciated~


End file.
